The Casmut Solution, part 1

* Daaren and Sylvie are playing a mancala-like game. *

* Nico is having a meal of steak, fries, salad and orange juice, and showing considerable appetite.*

*wander in from another page, absorbed in frivolous conversation with each other*

* Nico looks up, would greet them if they were looking in her direction. *

Sidney: Nico, will you want dessert, too? We have apple pie 'mexicana' today.

Nico: That's the best ever. :D

Sidney [To Swiff & Weft]: And anything for you?

* Daaren and Sylvie are apparently too busy with their game to pay attention to anything else. *

Swiff: ...To which the monster said "Of course I have a mouth. Many of my tendrils should have mouths on them. But it's so hard to remember which ones!"
*to Sidney* Ah, hi. Anything that's sweet, please --

Weft: And nothing for me.
(*low hiss in Swiff's direction* --if the words "and a saucer of milk for him" were about to pass your lips as I strongly suspect they were then you are so very very dead and I mean it this time.)

*Swiff graciously receives a dish of some godawful sticky confection involving pecans à la mode, wanders over to Nico's tableboothwhichever. With a Weft in tow playing the wallflowerish bodyguard.*

Swiff: *cheesy grin* Arrrre these seats free?

* grins back *

Not if you sit down there.

* motions them to sit down, in case that could be misunderstood, then picks the knife up again and sets to polishing her plate *

[Swiff makes as if to sit down, pauses, checks solidity of floor in an exaggerated manner beforehand.]

[Weft crosses eyes exasperatedly at these antics, remains standing and leans on the back of the booth behind Swiff's shoulder instead.]

Swiff: *places plate and cutlery down, sits* Say, you'll never guess. No more mindless objects have tried to attack me in positively... oh, half a minute at least!

[The obvious "not counting Weft, that is" remains similarly unspoken. Swiff tries his pie, eats about half of it fairly quickly then loses interest.]

And? You think that's a good thing? Or are you disappointed and bored now?

I never get bored as long as there are people around. *looks for just a tiny instant as though he's revealed something he didn't mean to*

In that vein, I thought you might like to hear the Casmut story at long last. But before we go into that - *smiles again, but with less cheese and a sharper edge* - there's something else I need to discuss with you.

I'm listening.

Hope so. *long, leisurely blink while putting thoughts in order*

When you asked me a while ago if I ever played practical jokes, I told you what I knew everyone would expect to hear from this face. That I enjoy clever intellectual banter more, it's more honest, and just look at me, I'm such a gullible geek with a sense of fair play. You'll have guessed by now that I was lying.

Oh yes, I personally have played plenty of little pranks in the past. Some essentially harmless, like the shoes and the peaches were, but a lot more of the not-so-harmless kind. Some fatal. Then a few years ago I took a look at myself and decided I wasn't who I wanted to be any more. I changed my ways. But the old instincts are still there; and when I spot another schemer at work...

They have a saying in parts of Shade - a dog is only a wolf that's mostly tamed, and that's why you set a dog to catch a wolf.

For all I know those practical jokes, doll, shoes, clothes and all, were richly deserved - I know the sinkhole that opened up beneath me most definitely was - but the whys are outside my concern. I came along with one mission: to work out the who. And I have worked out who.

Which leads me, ladies, if you'll excuse the roundabout route, to my proposal. It's quite simple. *bright smile* I know who's behind these little pranks. But if I hear a guarantee right now that there will be no more of them, well then...

I won't tell Suitov. He'll never know.

[It is very quiet for a few moments. Nico looks confused.
Then there's the clicking of the mancala seeds, and a low-voice comment on the move from Daaren.
Nico pushes her empty plate aside, folds her hands on the table and looks at Swiff, smiling calmly. ]

Firstly, I don't give a damn. Whether you're Suitov or not, whether you know who's behind it or not, I don't care. Think what you will, say what you will; if it has any consequences that bother me, I'll deal with them as they occurr.

[ Sylvie turns on her seat, kneeling on the bench and resting her elbows on the back, looks down at Nico and listens with a bemused smile. ]

Moreover, it would be a dangerous guarantee for whoever made it. I'm sure someone as annoying as Suitov will on occasion attract someone else's... attention.
[ She bobs her head and raises her eyebrows, admitting another point. ] Unless they saw the little show this time. I'd think playing pranks on someone who's bothered hardly at all by them is just no fun.

[ Sylvie nods. Swiff now has two quite cheerful-looking ladies watching for his reaction. ]

All right, let's rephrase. I don't deal in forevers. I don't care if pranks get played on anyone else, or on Suitov in the future. Hell, I have a few lined up myself, albeit in the very long term.

But for now, they will stop.

Nico [rolls her eyes]: Well, I don't have any planned. You? [looks up at Sylvie]

Sylvie: Ha! No.

Nico: Daaren, you?

Daaren [frowns]: No.

Nico: Sidney?

Sidney: I'll consider after meeting the gentleman you're talking about, if you don't mind. So, nothing planned right now, no. [grins]

Nico [laughs]: Very helpful, really.
[turns to Swiff] No-one... Oh, pardon, Weft. You got any pranks planned?

Weft: [puzzled] I do my best to make his life hell anyway...

Nico: Wonderful.
[turns to Swiff again] That's all, then, best I can do. Happy now?

I'm always happy. [nods and winks at Sylvie, since it's about the most specific he can be without Weft overhearing]

Right, at long last I can call the idiot in. [whips out a cellphone, presses buttons]

[pause]

Suitov(?): [pokes head round door] All right, I'm here. What is it?

Oh. Hello everyone.

[Suitov(?) comes over and hovers beside Weft, evidently wondering what this is about. Viewed up close next to the other one, he's a perfect match. Perfect.]

Weft: Been nice and relaxing without you around.

Suitov(?): I'm fine, thanks, Weft. Say, my dear, is there no progress? Or why on earth are...?

Swiff: Actually no, good progress. The power behind the pranks agreed to stop. No, what I called you here for waaas -

[He slides off the seat, bounces round behind and between the others and hugs 'em both round the shoulders, ignoring Weft's yowl of complaint and being ignored in turn by possibly-Suitov.]

Nico asked me about what we did in Casmut, didn't you Nix? I think you boys should explain. I never was clear on the details.

[Sylvie answers Suitov's 'hello' with a wave, and otherwise more or less stares at the two of them.]

[Nico sighs, tired and weary of it all] Just for the record: At this point in time, I, personally, couldn't care less what happened in Casmut, or what's up with you two.
However, my author would throw a shower of cogs if she doesn't find out, and considering I'm using her brain for thinking, yes, it would be nice if you explained things.

[gets up to exchange the empty plate for dessert, starts smiling again]

And I really recommend the apple pie. The filling also has ground almonds and raisins; 's delicious.

Weft: [breaks character for a moment] For the record, MY author spent a bunch of His time working out a fun and surprising denouement -
Suitov: [likewise] - which at this point she says she'd just as soon scrap if it weren't for Anke -
Weft: - and that He thinks that would leave you and anyone who's reading believing that Suitov would be so obnoxious to a woman -
Suitov: - and that I still have no clue what's going on here -
Weft: - and the really precious thing is, for once not one iota of this is Suitov's fault! -
Suitov: - so I do hope you aren't under the impression you're especially hard done by. I'd hate you to feel victimised or anything.
[Weft suddenly remembers that the one next to him isn't Suitov, tenses and edges away]

Swiff: Now now, you two, stop letting Mutt use you for such bloody obvious author-mouthpieces. We've got a swashbuckling yarn to spin.

[Returns to table with a tray holding pie, plates, glasses, and pitchers with water and juice for everyone who wants some, puts it on the table and sits down.]

[confused and slightly apologetic] I don't think anyone is blaming Suitov. I certainly don't. Even wouldn't if there was only one of them, actually.

And it would be a terrible shame if Mutt's work goes to waste.

Weft: Nah, it wouldn't really. [grins in far too cocky a manner in my opinion, the little wretch] Wait, what were we just saying?

Suitov: I can't remember. Hold on - blame for what?

Swiff: Ah. Well. You know how they say you can't take a depth sounding without letting off some fairly huge explosions?

Suitov: No...

Swiff: Better explain what you've been doing since you left the doll display courtyard.

Suitov: I seeee... Well, my clothing started shrinking on me; damnedest thing - in fact, Nico was there and saw it too. I put a stop to that but couldn't undo it; fibres irreversibly damaged if you please, had to give them away to some of the locals whose twelve-year-old wanted a new outfit, but that's by-the-by; my friend here wanted to know what I was doing sulking in a dressing gown, and after I'd explained the story and waited for the laughter to stop, I said "I don't suppose you'd like to do me a favour and see if you can flush the culprit out?"

Swiff: For which you now owe me dinner and a shopping trip. [smooches his cheek]

Weft: Ugh, that is really creepy.

Suitov: I only agreed to the shopping; you can catch your own dinner.

Swiff: Can't blame a girl for trying.

Suitov: After that I forgot about the whole business; spent - I don't know, lost track of time - with some research on goblin weatherwarding; then a few minutes ago I was handed an urgent message saying I ought to come over here. Baskerville is raiding the pantry as we speak because I dashed out without feeding him. If I have to ask you many more times what on shaded earth is going on, my dear, I shall be most doleful.

You're asking... her [points at Swiff], yes?
[finds into an "amused and curious" mood again, albeit over a basic layer of "tired"]

If you like, you can sit down, by the way. I don't think anything here'll bite.

[Sylvie is watching/listening grinning slightly. succeeding at not showing how nervous she is.]

Suitov: Unless you have any more idea what she's up to.

Swiff: [grins like a... grinning thing at Sylvie and Nico]

Suitov: As for being able to sit down - oh delightful doppleganger, would you by any chance consider leaving go of me at all?

Swiff: Aww, if I must. [lets the huggy teddybears go]

[Suitov waits for... her?... to sit first. Weft sticks behind the presumably-real Suitov, resting elbows on the back of the booth and chin on hands. He's quite glad if he's being ignored for a bit.]