Grand sweeping space operatic plotlines

How to convince your writer that all you want is a quiet, undistinguished life (and death, where appropriate)?

...plz send help kthxbai?

I want to know this one too!

Look, the authors know what we want. But they won't give it to us, because they think that'd make for a boring story.

They have this thing, when they say thes "like" a character, they indeed like moving them from one shitty situation to the next.
If they dislike you, they put you in even bigger messes. And if you're too uninteresting, you get either ignored, or put into some mess to nasty for the liked characters, or just killed off.

Let's face it: Fictional characters are shit outta luck. The best thing we can hope for are the occasional good bits, and one day figuring out a way to kill our authors we can survive.

Or working out how to switch places with one of my less 'interesting' or 'likeable' order-brothers. Only that would be bad of me, so I wouldn't.

I'm still confused by this idea of being liked. As far as I can tell I've never done anything to deserve it, and plenty of things that should count against. I kill sick and orphaned kids, for pity's sake!

In conclusion, authors are scary and bizarre and sometimes I really wish fate wasn't immutable.

It doesn't seem like you killed sick and orphaned kids "on screen", as it were - on the contrary, you saved some of the little pests.

Maybe I can fix that! I'll nag my author until He writes up lots of my past. No, wait, that sounds bigheaded... *frown, lipchew*

How do you make your author write more scenes with you in them?

Did someone say "orphan"?

Kittykins did, but I don't see how that's relevant. My mother's alive, well and bloody scary.

Wonderful. Carry on.

There, this should stop people trying to hug me.

Biggest mistake there: You shouldn't have mentioned the fish. Really, giving back the toy after you killed the kid will send a signal to the people who like you, "deep down he cares".

All in all that story will just cement the idea that you're a poor, brainwashed sod who needs to be hugged and deprogrammed.

And, fer chrissakes, try to put two and two together! Likely reason to kill someone with a genetic disease is to get it out of the genepool.

?!? But but but... oh, dropstitches.

What more do I have to do? Add that I enjoyed the kill? For pity's sake!

Might help.

But by now they might think you're making it up to scare them off. Or blame it on your brainwashing. Or just don't care.

Authors are scary and bizarre, that you got right.

I'm going to go off and sob in a corner now.

Gabriel: ... Idiot.

* Anke gives Weft a hug, because he obviously needs cheering up. *

Suitov: I think the response that would engender is along the lines of a Darth-Vaderlike "Noooooooo!".

Mutt: Yes, if he wasn't afraid that would somehow make him even more likeable.

Suitov: With good reason! He raised an interesting question just now in between the indignant howls and death threats against my family. What would Weft have to do at this point to regain some fear, mystique and respect?

Mutt: Switch authors, to one who doesn't sabotage his narratives by making him overdefensive?

Suitov: Right, and hinting at vulnerability. I knew that was deliberate.

Mutt: It's as in-character as my skills allow. The Brothers of Mercy don't expect their agents to be unemotional. Sympathy's entirely human(oid), so long as they don't let it affect their duty.

Suitov: So reasonable. I look forward to smashing their organisation.

This is such an education.

Yes. Don't be like Weft. That's not a lesson you can learn too early.

Yes. Such soppiness over an obviously elementary mistake in his private little world. *smiles*

You just know he enjoys the attention really.

Whereas I don't get nearly enough. Everyone look at me!