Paper games and captions 1

Has any of you ever played Consequences? Or folding poetry?

Just kinda thought we could try it, maybe...

If I can repurpose this page a bit... Helmine, don't look. Here's the transcript from my 'authentic' fortune-telling spiel. Mutt thinks it will be edifying for the masses.

I edited it minimally, I think mainly just switching the order of two lines to make it make more sense.

Weft: Pity, you know, I really can do card-reading.
[...]
Weft: Nico, want me to do you?
Nico: Do what, tell my future from cards?
Weft: Yes?
Nico: Yes, please. :)
Weft: *sliiiightly Red Deathy bow* But let's adjourn somewhere Helmine can't overhear, 'cause it'd be rude.

* Nico hops over to instant messages

Nico: you mean like so?
Weft: Could do. *g* Unless Snog wanted to overhear.
Weft: Ah, we can tell him later when they ALL COME TRUE.
Weft: (dun dun dun!)
* Anke shakes a baking sheet for thunder...
Weft: Mua ha ha. *sneezes* *blinks* Well, anyway.
* Nico looks attentive.
Weft: One of the secrets to this game is to make a lot of predictions. The client will just remember the ones that come true. Do not ask me how I learned all this. :>
Weft: *shuffle shuffle shuffle*
Nico: Do I get to cut the deck?
Weft: Yes, in a moment I ask you to pick several and arrange them.
Weft: Now, my dear, I Sense you have questions.
Nico: Oh, I always do.
Weft: Very good, very good. I also Sense you have a shrouded past, and a misty future. Let us lift the veil and find some answers. *taps the deck straight*
* Nico has an appropriate excited-curious look, rather than a pumpkin-grin
* Weft is a cheesy bastard and loving it.
Weft: Now, dear, would you take a card and show it to me? *holds pack out. Cards are numbered 1-12 and then 14, 16, etc up to 30*
* Nico takes a card, looks at it, and shows it to Weft. It's the 28
Weft: *eyebrows go up* Iiiiinteresting. What is it you said you do, dear?
Nico: Whatever. Most recent job was shuffling paperwork.
Weft: And how about children? *cutting deck in mystical ways*
Nico: What about them?
* Nico really isn't sure what exactly he's asking.
Weft: *is being mystically vague, silly!* Do you want any?
Nico: No. [matter-of factly]
Weft: Good, good. I Feel the picture is becoming clearer. Now-- *plonks pack down*
Weft: Take eight and put them in a square, please.
Weft: Take whichever your hands feel drawn to.
* Nico starts picking cards at random, backs up, and to lay them out, in the shape of a picture frame, with 4 of them nearly touching at their short sides forming each side.
* Weft watches, with meaningless murmured approving interjections. Then puts the 28 in the middle with great gravitas and significance.
Weft: *starts turning 'em over, very slowly, one by one* Oh, that's significant. I Detect a journey in your past. A recent... mission. Yes, a mission, or a goal.
Nico: yeeeeeessssss
Weft: Mhm. Mhm. *nodnod* Ah, but here... I also Sense not all went quite according to plan.
Nico: Oh, well. Plans are relative
Weft: The future is uncertain, child, yes. Ah, I Sense... such a strong-willed young lady, and... something to do with -- I want to say water -- liquid, something that holds liquid. *keeping a close eye on Nico, pretending he isn't*
Nico: The bathtub!
Weft: Yes, a bathtub, that must be what I Sensed -- is it significant?
Nico: well, the room with the bathtub was significant.
Nico: Not so sure about the thing itself
Weft: *nods dramatically* Just as I thought.
Weft: Hard work. There is toil in your past, I can Feel it. Strife in your past, or is it sorrow, but also... ah, *flips a card over* I Sense joy too. Somebody who can always make you laugh. Or smile. Somebody who has made you smile.
Nico: hmmm...
Nico: I'm easily amused, but there's a candidate, yes.
Weft: I Sense... is it a male?
Nico: Yah.
Weft: Ah yes, I was certain it was masculinity I Felt from him. *would have come out with some other tripe if the 50-50 guess had been wrong, mind you*
* Nico can tell this is a guessing game from Weft, but is reasonably amused.
Weft: Ah, but I Sense you do not often dwell on the past. There is change in your present. Change, uncertainty... choices... no, a choice made in the past, and now moving on. *is hamming it up on purpose...*
Nico: Moving, yes. Looking to move into a new place. *Pretends she didn't tell him at the party...*
Weft: Ah, that must be the stress I Felt on the perimeter of your aura. I also Sensed some tedium, and... yes, paperwork. Bureaucracy or, or a lot of writing. I Sense a lot of words.
Nico: Oh yes, I chatter and gabble and whatnot. Words all around *g*
Weft: Yes, exactly so. A quick mind. I Sense... a curious mind, yes. You are unafraid to ask questions. *has flipped half the cards now* Now, to your future...
Nico: I am wondering if my future home will be safe...
Weft: Safety, eh? I Knew you would be. *turns over a 16* ...Ah. Now, sixteen isn't always unlucky.
Weft: *flips another card* There, the tapestry becomes clearer. There will be a problem shortly after you move in. It -- I want to say water again, but no. Weather, the weather will -- something significant in the weather. Now, that could be a storm, or even an emotional storm...
Nico: hmmm
Weft: And something else to do with the house. I'm Seeing a fair stranger, a tall one, relatively tall. Are you inviting that stranger in? Or are you talking? I think... there is something you want to know from the stranger, yes.
Nico: What the hell he's doing on my property?
Weft: *pounces on the assumed gender* He has something to tell you, perhaps a message to deliver? Something to deliver. Face-to-face, that is the important thing.
Nico: Ah, one of the PKA couriers. They can get anywhere.
Weft: I also Sense hippopotami.
Nico: ... I hope not.
Nico: They fling their shit around. And since they're so huge, there's a lot of it.
Weft: Maybe you should buy some sturdy boots.
Weft: I Sense a long voyage. A long one, or a journey. It may be -- yes, connected to one of those unanswered questions. Such a long time... yet a small distance. I See you travelling and seeming to get nowhere. Perseverence, I Sense perseverence will be important.
Nico: They I may be in really deep shit. :D
Weft: Well then, aren't you glad to be forewarned? There will also be a meeting. Finding someone... no, finding them again. Rediscovering them. Someone you lost, lost contact with perhaps, or became distant...
Nico: yes, that happens a lot
Weft: I also Sense something to do with -- music, the arts. Yes, art. And something is happening at a place where food is served. Do I mean food? Eating and drinking. There is a disturbance. Disruption... I cannot tell how it ends.
Weft: Also, sponges.
Weft: *flips over last card. 5!* And then a ruthless shyster with a lot of knives will try to convince you he can see the future. Nyah.
Nico: Well, thanks for the warning, I'll be mindful of that charlatan. :)

In conclusion, be wary of anyone who uses the techniques I do here. If they say they sense you have questions, you have to think "why else would I be consulting a diviner?" And the more vague they are -- look how loosely I defined everything here, both question and answer -- I mean, container for liquid? Glass, bathtub, human stomach, figuratively it could even mean Applestone. It's a fair bet that women will be concerned about security and men about success. (Other way around in Offwhite, but, you know.)

To prove my point, I did this with almost all my memories of Nico suppressed. Rediscovering old acquaintance, loosely-defined voyages, tall fair strangers, I used to say it to them all. Would do, I mean, if I... well.

A piece of paper has been pinned to a wall here. It depicts a man with the magnificent physique of a Greek god and a foreboding, dark aura. He has cartoony eyes, glowing à la Acme Toxic Waste, and is apparently engaged in scratching at an ordinary kitchen door, asking to be let outside.

The picture is captioned "Jelly".

Caption competition woooooooo

"Hmm hmm hmm, stinks of ugly lizard in here, but I can't see anything...

"Okay, sir, all clear. Come on in - you'll be right at home."

Giant lizard: My mail order mammal pet arrived!

"Suitov, either your ex or your mother is here to see you!"

It was Weft's latest assignment that finally made him suspect his employers didn't like him much.

"Just a minute, where did my cigarette go?"

"My grace, Felix, you've gained a few pounds."

"Which part is the fuse?"

"Well the good news is that nobody will recognise you. The bad news is that you look ugly, stupid and terrifying, you're the size of a barn and the rubber cement smells. I really think you should try the tuxedo again."

"I don't believe this is actually the Bakerloo line."

You're daft.

"Well, that's my Weft costume complete. Now, Weft, are you ready to tell me what you're going as?"

"My ACME Dinosaur in a Jar™ hasn't worked. I'm going to write in and complain!"

Dragon: "I'll protect you from the purple fog of death"
Cicely: "Very nice but what's going to protect me from your spikes?!"

"Last item in the scavenger hunt: a dinosaur scale. Dinosaur scale? Why'n grace did the fraying useless map send me in here? I sure don't see any gigantic, ugly, stupid lizards of death in here! Just as well, too, or I'd kill them to death with my bare hands! Hah! I'll just turn around and walk outside now."

That does really sound like something I would say.

I speak from eyewitness experience!