Children

What were you like as one?

Disconcerting.

Liar, you never were one.

We need more childhood stories!

I literally never was a child. I do have a schoolgirl uniform, though.

When I was a puppy I was BRAVESTARR and BATMAN

And CAPTAIN KIDD

If you're both a rubbish pirate and a space sheriff, do you have to arrest yourself? And how would masked vigilantism fit in with those?

"Your money or your life in the name of the law! P.S. My parents are dead."

How about "Hands over yer silk an' spices or me bat-torpedoes'll be sendin' you te the Locker te join me parents."

Much better.

Or... "You broke the Pirate Articles, criminal scum, and I'm not on duty. You know what no badge means? It means start praying, evildoer."

I quiver in fear.

"You're under arrest for circus performance in a public location without a permit. Also assault and battery on my parrot."

"Faster, Bat-Hoss, we're gaining on that frigate."

Well I'll fire a broadside at you from my spaceship, which has gun hatches and saloon doors because I can breathe in space.

I see now where my error lay, and it was with my use of the past tense in my original question.