Pokëmon

"It's true, the way I feel, was promised by your face. The sound of your voice painted on my memory, even though you're not with me, I'm with you," was what Rapidash had been planning to cut into her arms. Unfortunately, she had only got as far as "It's true, the" before she ran out of space on her arm, and she was starting to feel faint because of all the blood she had lost from the cuts anyway.

Müttly Föe's Rapidash was different from all the others. She was white all over, with a pure black mane and tail, except for her distinctive black teardrop-shaped marks beneath her eyes. Nobody understood her.



"I win! Ha ha ha!" said Müttly Föe, who had always known he would win anyway. "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Return!" he added.

When Müttly Föe had made his Alakazam evolve using a special item made specially for him by Sylph Co., he had named the new Pokëmon Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in his Pokëdex, because he thought it had a good ring to it.

Sabrina, the Psychic gym leader, had declined Föe's generous offer of "a shag" but had accepted his second offer, a Pokëmon battle. She gave him her gym badge, to add to his collection, and tried to make "go away" motions. She would have used her psychic powers to control his mind, except that he was a vampire (half) and was immune. Then he left anyway.

"Hi, Mr Föe," said Nurse Jöy as he entered the Pokëmon Centre. "What can I do for you?"

"Can you heal my Pokëmon please, gorgeous?" chirped Müttly Föe.

"Sure!" giggled Nurse Jöy. Then Nurse Jöy's brow furrowed, and she said, "But Föe, your Pokëmon are fully healthy!"

"I know," he grinned, gazing at Nurse Jöy. "Can I also have a room for the night, please? I don't really need to sleep much, as I am a vampire (half), but it helps to maintain the illusion."



Walking through the woods west of Umber City, Müttly Föe was ambushed by Team Rocket's crack duo, Jesse and James. Except that it wasn't really an ambush because Müttly Föe knew they were there because of his very sharp hearing.

"Prepare for trouble!" started Jesse.

"And make it double!" continued James.

"Wanna shag?" interjected an eager Föe.

"Which one of us?" asked James, momentarily put out, yet curious.

"Which one first, you mean," corrected Müttly.

Jesse harrumphed in disgust. "Maybe after we defeat you?" suggested James.

"Deal," said the trenchcoat-wearing vampire. "After you."

"Go, Weezing!" called a vaguely aroused-looking James.

"Go, Hitmonreeves!" returned Föe. And out of the Pokëball came a brooding-looking Pokëmon, clad in a trenchcoat to match Müttly Föe's, if somewhat smaller.

"Weezing, use Smog!" called James. Immediately a noxious emanation expanded outwards from Weezing, choking all within.

"Hitmonreeves, use Kung Fü!" heckled Föe. And in a blur of martial skill and wooden facial expression, Hitmonreeves set about Weezing, and within moments had reduced it to an egg-bomb lying cross-eyed on the leaf-litter. "Hitmonreeves, that's enough! Come back!" commanded Müttly Föe blandly.

James looked somewhat stunned and bishy, but Jesse immediately followed up with "Arbok! Attack!" From an implausibly small ball on her belt came forth a giant snake, who glared menacingly at the vampire. Müttly Föe, however was not impressed, and instead of calling a Pokëmon, he flicked his forked tongue across his lips, then used his snake-magic powers, and stared at Arbok until its strength left it and it crumpled into a heap before him.

James was looking distinctly leery when he called "Meowth! You're our last chance!"

Looking at the small catlike creature, Müttly Föe thought for a moment before summoning his Crobat.

("Hang on," protested Jesse, "Golbat doesn't evolve again yet, we're..."

"Sssh," scolded James, hiding the plot hole behind a tree.)

Meowth, cursing quietly all the way, launched itself at Crobat so hard the background blurred. Crobat, however, just grabbed the flailing Meowth, flew up higher and dropped it on Jesse.

"Well, that's that, then," said Müttly Föe. "Crobat, to me!"

As Jesse and Meowth untangled themselves, Föe walked over to James. "You wanna screw now?" he asked politely.



Having bid a warm farewell to Jämës, Müttly Föe set off again on his quest to find the ultimate Pokëmon. He had heard the legend of the legendary Pokëmon Mewtwo, and thought he sounded hot, and so had decided to find him.

Having heard a rumour of Mewtwo's whereabouts during some pillow talk, Föe left for a remote cave (near the corner of all four pages of the map book, every time). Just as he was about to enter the cave, a young-looking boy in a red baseball cap ran up behind him, with an anorexic-looking ginger chick in tow.

"Hey, you! With the pale skin!" shouted the kid when within earshot. "You're not trying to find Mewtwo, are you? ‘Cos he's mine!"

His ears pricking with interest, Föe replied "Oh, have you already caught him?"

"Well... no, not quite yet," admitted the boy, reddening visibly (something Müttly Föe always enjoyed seeing). "But I'm going to get him first, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" he finished, his voice steadily increasing in volume and anger.

"Yay, a fight!" said Müttly Föe happily.

"Ash, be careful!" simpered the stick girl redundantly.

"Pikachu, let's finish this guy!" called Ash, sending forth a beam of yellow light, which resolved itself into a large yellow mouse thing.

Müttly Föe grinned broadly, showing off his pronounced canines. "Well, why not? Pikachu, let's go!" he hollered, overly loudly. A second similar visual display occurred, leaving two effectively identical Pokëmon squaring up to each other. Ash's attacked first, at his command of "Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!"

Ash's Pikachu hunched slightly, narrowing its eyes as its ridiculously blushered cheeks started to crackle with static. Then with a cry of "Chu!", it let loose a stream of electricity at Föe's Pokëmon, who recoiled with the shock.

Looking the worse for wear, Müttly Föe's Pikachu staggered, but stayed upright. Then Föe called, "Pikachu, change to Crinos form!"

Before everyone's eyes, Föe's Pikachu started to grow, gaining a couple of hundred pounds of muscle until it looked more like a wolf than a mouse. Licking his nonexistent animë lips, Müttly cried, "Pikachu, use Thunderpunch!"

Ash's Pikachu ran away.

The battle over, Müttly Föe returned his were-Pikachu to its ball, but the excitement wasn't over yet.

"Hey, don't be so mean! He's only a kid!" cried the ginger girl furiously. "Starmie, teach this bully a lesson!"

The appearance of another Pokëmon did nothing to dampen Müttly Föe's spirits. "Rapidash," he called, "I choose you!"

Rapidash emerged from her Pokëball, looking gloomy. She had an oddish scab on her inner front leg, but no-one had time to examine it in the middle of battle.

"Starmie, use Water Gun!" called Misty (for that was her name).

The ten-pointed jewel-encrusted starfish Pokëmon shot a sudden stream of water at Rapidash. Being fast, Rapidash dodged most of it, but some stray splashes landed on her white flank, causing a cloud of steam to rise around Rapidash.

"Rapidash, use Flamethrower!" ordered Müttly Föe.

Rapidash, looking glum and pessimistic, took a deep breath, and shot a pillar of fire directly at Starmie, which stood no chance, and flopped to the ground, streaming back into its Pokëball.

"Oh no, Starmie!" cried Misty. Müttly Föe tried to look smug, modest and condoling simultaneously.

Meanwhile, Rapidash was having an epiphany. She had realised that she was not as useless as she had always privately opined, and would be a valuable member of Müttly Föe's team, if she would just stop being depressed. She vowed to end her self-harming ways, and stop listening to Linkin Park (or, at least listen to them a bit less).

Having parted with Ash and Misty, though not before getting Misty's phone number, Föe headed into the cave.



"All right, let's get things straight right now," he preached loudly to the shadows, where he could see an assortment of Geodudes, Zubats and other wastrels, with his exceptional dark-vision. "I don't want to fight you, and you DEFINITELY don't want to fight me, let me assure you. So no random battles, ok? Easier all round."

His journey into the cave was remarkably hassle-free.

After searching until he suspected his tip-off must have been wrong, Müttly Föe arrived in a huge cavern. In it was a large lake, with a roughly circular island in the middle. And on the island was a Pokëmon that Föe could only describe as looking genetically engineered.

Müttly Föe didn't have a Pokëmon which could Surf with him, but fortunately, he was a vampire (half) so he could fly anyway. So he flew over to the island and stood opposite the mystery Pokëmon, who looked like he'd been expecting Föe to arrive exactly then and thus.

"So you're Mewtwo then, are you?" asked Müttly Föe cheerfully.

"You will not capture me." replied the Pokëmon.

"Oh really?" retorted Föe cleverly.

They squared up to each other, Mewtwo flexing slightly, Föe crouching as if ready to spring into action. They stared into each other's eyes.

Müttly Föe waggled his eyebrows. Mewtwo frowned, then shrugged...



"What now?" pondered Müttly Föe. "Shall we go beat the Elite Four?"

"Ok" replied Mëwtwö.

~THE END~


Credits
Thanks to Linkin Park for the irrelevant lyric. There are no plot holes.

Best. Story. Ever.

*Keels over and dies from laughter*

This rules. There... are no words.

Oh, I thought of quite a few.

*Grins broadly, as has been doing since first read the story, except for occasional giggle-breaks.*

It's the bestest!

I'm interested to know what proportion of the horrible puns and references everyone got. Primarily so I can tell how much you know about Pokémon, admittedly, but also so I can giggle a bit more.

But it encourages me to know that some people are at least nearly as sad as I am. Apart from Mutt, obviously, who is marginally more so.

Yay, fandom räpe!

Hitmonreeves and Crobat had me snickering, if that's any indication. I've played the first game just shy of the end (got all 8 badges, haven't fought the endgame) and watched entirely too many episodes of the series -- enough to know who Prof. Ivy is.

That Rapidash is... goffy. And doubtless extremely rare. Heh.

Blondie, despite not knowing who any of the characters are... well, consider me impressed (half).

I'm only vaguely familiar with the Pokémon universe, just enough to recognize characters and some recurring stuff. And Mewtwo, kinda. Hitmonreeves was just inherently funny. I can sort of imagine where some of the bits come from - Müttly Föe shouting at the random encounters to keep their distance made me snigger. Otherwise I'm a poké-pagan, though.