Bedtime

"Ri-ige!"

"Betel? What are you doing out of bed?"

"Rigey, tell me a story!"

"Come on, back in you go... You're getting heavy, young lady."

"Story, Rigey, story!"

"What do we say when we ask for things?"

"Pleeeeease!"

"Oh, all right then. One story."

"Hurrah!" The rustle of sheets.

"In that time there was a super-duper warlord called..."

"Betel!"

"And Betel lived with her mummy and daddy and her brother, who was called..."

"Smelly Toes!"

"Oh, thank you very much."

"Nice Smelly Toes."

"Nice Smelly Toes couldn't be a warlord because he was rubbish at sword-fighting and he always committed his reserves too early."

Giggles. "Because Nice Smelly Toes is silly!"

"So Betel was the lord and she rode around all day on her horse called..."

"Upside Down Bottom Horse!"

"...her horse called Upside Down Bottom Horse. One day Lord Betel came home from a ride, took off Upside Down Bottom Horse's tack and rubbed him down. She noticed that it was very quiet. When she came indoors she went to see Daddy, but Daddy wasn't in his study. Then she went to see Mummy, but Mummy wasn't in her sun lounge. She went into the library but Nice Smelly Toes wasn't there. 'Oh no!' said Lord Betel. 'My family has been kidnapped by the evil Duke... Bedtime!'"

Squeals. "Not Bedtime!"

"And it was true. Duke Bedtime had kidnapped Cooky and Gardener Stave and Shucky and even Juria from the village who delivers the letters. 'I'd better go and sort this out!' said Lord Betel. And she took a fresh horse and rode off to where Duke Bedtime lives, in the middle of..."

"Purple Forest."

"The forest was full of purple and green spotted trees, mushrooms that smelled like castor-oil and raspberry bushes that smelled like blue cheese. Betel rode all the way to Duke Bedtime's castle, which was surrounded by a moat filled with..."

"Peas!"

"...A moat filled with mushy peas. They were blooping and blopping up and down and Lord Betel knew that Duke Bedtime was planning to feed them to his prisoners."

"Uuuurgh, poo, yuck!"

"Betel saw that the castle had lots of slitty windows at the front and she didn't come too close, because what are slitty windows for?"

"Archers."

"That's right. Betel couldn't get in by herself or the archers would ping her with pea-shooters, so she rode back a little way until she found some rabbits doing pike drills."

"Purple rabbits."

"Yes, purple rabbits doing pike drills. Betel dismounted and marched up to them, saying 'Oi, you horrible lot!'..."

"Oi, you slimy smelly-heads!" Further giggles.

"She said 'Oi, you slimy smelly-heads, come and help me rescue my mummy and daddy and my brother and dog and friends!' But the rabbits said 'Go away!' Then Betel remembered what we say when we ask for things, and she said..."

"You've got bird poo on your heads!"

"But the rabbits were still annoyed and they said 'Go away!' again, and so Betel said..."

"Pleeeeease come and help!"

"At this the rabbits were pleased and they said they would come and help. 'But how shall we get into the castle?' asked the mummy rabbit."

"Can they... dig a big hole under the moat!"

"They thought about that, but what if the mushy peas poured into the hole and drowned them?"

"Then can they... get a tree and bash down the door!"

"...Lord Betel suggested, and the mummy rabbit thought they could. So they went and found a tiny, bendy tree..."

"No they didn't!"

"What sort of tree?"

"A big one with metal on the end. And it was purple too and covered with frogs."

"The rabbits all put helmets on so the pea-shooters wouldn't blip them on the heads, and they took the battering ram and they ran up to the gate and went BOOM!"

"BOOM!" Shrieks of laughter.

"Rige, are you keeping your sister awake again?"

"Coming in a moment, mother! After they went BOOM about twelve times, the gate popped open and Betel and the rabbits rushed inside. Duke Bedtime came roaring down the stairs but Lord Betel was a hundred times better at swordfighting than he was, and she poked him in the bottom and he cried and ran away."

"Good."

"Betel rescued all the prisoners, Mummy and Daddy and Nice Smelly Toes and Shucky and Cook and Stave and Juria, and she thanked the rabbits and everyone went home. The end."

"Rigey?"

"Yes?"

"When I grow up I'll protect you from..." (yawn) "everything."

"And I'll protect you too. Good night, my dear."

"Night... smelly-head."

"Hmph."

A door closes softly.